i don’t think anyone fully understands. i don’t fully understand.
i need to write everything down but honestly i barely have the motivation to get up to piss anymore. i’ve never asked for help from a person before in my life and now i’m leaning on someone dependently, and it’s even someone who doesn’t quite want that responsibility. on all of this, i decided to get professional help as well which also is hard for me to handle. i don’t smile anymore, i barely laugh and i look like a ghost.
sickness is honestly taking over my every move and why it decided to spread like a rotting infection now, i have no idea. and i have officially lost control.
just a basic run through so every person will stop asking me what’s wrong:
I’ve been entirely consumed in anxiety, and depression as well. that’s the jist of it.
i have regular panic attacks that i don’t know how to handle on my own, and my poor, perfect precious Lucas, who doesn’t even want to be my boyfriend anymore let alone my rock, is the only person who knows how to calm me down. i fucking love him, and he might not believe in my god but he’s blessed with every bone in his body. something special.
incase any of you twatterheads read this that knows him: hopefully you do..
I’m sorry about how things between he and i have been for the most part lately.
I love lucas with every piece of existence and things between us are harder and more complicated than i’ll be able to explain. I know i’m clingy, and i’m a little more than obsessive these days..but know this isn’t me. i’m trying so hard to fight every thing going on and i’m losing the battle. the thing is, lucas is my life and i’ll never let anything take that away. things will get better, don’t think i do things to piss him off on purpose..and don’t think i’m the only one in the middle of everything. we both do our share of hurt..but we’re working on mending everything. it will be okay. you don’t have to accept my apology and you all might hate me to death, but i’m fighting for what i love which is him. he’s everything and more to me.
i don’t know what else to write, but i’m trying my hardest to make this life a little better. i heard my mother talk to the doctor today.. she said “we just want her to smile again.” and i almost broke down, (not like i haven’t done that about twenty times in the past week or anything..but..) and i’ve realized i have hurt alot of people on accident.
i’m sorry. i’m sorry for myself and to every person. and i’m working on it.